The Bitterness From The Ones Who Were Left Alone
by Mychelle in a Wonderland
Summary: Because even without suffering, there is always sorrow and a bitter taste for the ones who were left behind. ENGLISH VERSION Gen, Julian's POV. Character Study. Post Series Finale.


**Disclaimer:** The Star Trek franchise was created by Gene Roddenberry and belonged to him and now belong to a bunch of people, and to Paramount; I don't own nothing here. This story was made only for fun; I didn't make any money on this.

**Summary:** Because even without suffering, there is always sorrow and a bitter taste for the ones who were left behind.

**Universe:** Star Trek – Deep Space Nine (DS9).

**Warnings:** Translation of my own story. Before anything, I have the obligation to say that English is NOT my native language and this story didn't have a beta reader. Therefore, the following text may have some gross grammatical mistakes. So, if you really want to read... you're warned! :D

(Also, if you see some of these errors and want to let me know, I would really appreciate it. It's always good to correct my grammatical mistakes when I can.)

This fanfic takes place after the season finale "What You Leave Behind", and have spoilers for all the series, especially for the said season finale, and for the episodes "Hard Time", "Rejoined" and "Doctor Bashir, I Presume".

**Ships:** There's no pairings here, this is a Gen story. However, if you see this with slash goggles, you may be able to see some Garak/Bashir.

**N.A.**:Finish DS9 was emotionally exhaustive, and I'm not sure where this story came from. I think I just mixed up my own frustration with the one that I imagine that Julian must have felt.

I wrote this fanfic while I listened to several songs, but especially "Disarm", by The Smashing Pumpkins. The title was also from this song.

I apologize if any character is OOC; this is never my intention, but sometimes it's hard to found the character's voice accurately. And again, I'm sorry for any grammatical mistakes, and I thank any of you who read it.

**Rated:** K+.

**X_X_X**

**The Bitterness From The Ones Who Were Left Alone**

_By Mychelle in a Wonderland_

**X_X_X**

_Disarm you with a smile  
And leave you like they left me here  
To wither in denial  
The bitterness of one who's left alone  
Ooh, the years burn_

**(****The Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm****)**

**X_X_X**

There was something that was incredible bittersweet in seeing oneself suddenly lonely in the place that, not a long while ago, you had considered your home.

The place, of course, was still the same. And even with the abrupt changes of personal, everything in the station was still the same; Quark's was still there, as always, Morn was in his habitual chair, maintenance problems still occurred in regular basis and disagreements between the ones who crossed the station temporarily still was an event that happened almost daily.

But DS9 didn't seem to be the exciting place full of news that Julian embarked, almost eight years ago.

At first, Julian tried to justify this feeling with the end of the war; when they were still in combat, there was no time for him to do anything, much less sit in a quiet day in the sickbay and think about how much his life had changed.

When they were at war, his mind was always focused in fight, in helping people, in seeking a cure for diseases. Without the urgency that the war exercised in his actions, he saw himself now, for the first time in years, without a full schedule, and with time to stop and reflect about what he did and what he failed to do in the last few years.

But it had been a few months since the war was over and even knowing that the memories of these years wouldn't never be forgotten – memory genetically engineered or not -, enough time had passed for him to realize that it wasn't only a numbness post war that he was going through. It was something _different_.

Then, the second thing that Julian blamed for being the source of this inquietude was a sensation of loneliness; of course, Nerys was always around, and so was Ezri, but so many people, so many friends had gone away that seemed impossible to not feel lonely. Not that Julian sought to demonstrate; the war was over, but almost everyone in the station still had problems up to their necks.

But even so, Julian knew that some people noticed; Nerys sometimes looked at Julian with a mix of sympathy and understanding. When Julian noticed it, he smiled back to her; Nerys was the only person in the station that could truly understand him in this post war time.

Of course, there was Ezri too, but it simple wasn't the same thing. Ezri may be Dax, and Dax was Jadzia one day, but Dax _wasn't_ Jadzia anymore. And Ezri could have the same memories, but she hadn't the same sensation, the same feeling of loneliness and emptiness that Nerys and Julian shared.

Julian wasn't happy, but he was satisfied with such explanation; he personally never liked changes, but he knew that it was a natural process in life. People change, friends grow apart, relationships end; it was painful, but inevitable. One day, Julian would learn how to deal with it.

The problem was that he was still in the same place.

More than anything, it was the main problem; he was still in the same place, when almost everyone had already gone away. He lived in the same place where so many experiences, so many happiness, so many sadness happened. Each corridor, each corner of this station brought a memory to Julian.

It was like living with ghosts.

For example, there was a certain corridor of the upper layer of the Habitational Ring that held sad memories for Julian. He and Miles walked for this corridor dozens, hundreds of times; it was an absolutely ordinary act. However, there was an event that, without making force to revive the memory, Julian could remember perfectly well.

Julian was already out of duty, and Miles had just fixed a panel two corridors before and Julian met him there, waiting a few minutes until Miles ended the job and using the time to talk to him, Miles pretending to be annoyed for Julian being attached at the hip with him lately.

It happened only a few weeks after the experience that Miles had with the Argrathi, and even with Miles looking fine by now, Julian wanted to be together to his friend to make sure of that; and it wasn't like spending time with Miles was something unpleasant.

When Miles finally ended to fix the panel, he and Julian started to walk for Quark's, to drink something and play a match of darts. Miles really seemed to be doing better than Julian had seen him in weeks, and he couldn't help but admire the internal strength of his friend in fighting his own mind this way and finally be wining a few points on this.

At least, everything seemed to be alright; however, it changed when Julian made a simple commentary about Keiko, and this made Miles freeze and stop walking in the said corridor, his posture completely tense. Julian, confused, stopped walking too and asked if he, somehow, had offended his friend.

When he asked it, Miles shook his head negatively, giving a sad smile to Julian and telling him that Ee'char once told him these exactly same words, years ago, during his realistic illusory incarceration.

"_He never really met Keiko, of course, but I talked about her all the time. It was almost as he know her. He… he seemed to like her."_ Miles seemed so miserably sad with this confession that Julian put a hand in his shoulder, but Miles only dodged and Julian quickly let his hand drop.

"_You know"_ Miles said then _"He was so much like you"_, and in his friend's face, Julian saw so much angst, pain and suffering that made him speechless.

_I'm sorry_, Miles, Julian remembered to have said. And he really was. The memories of so many years in a prison, with all kind of privations didn't really happen, but nothing would change the fact that they were real for Miles. Nothing would change the fact that his friend had twenty years of memory that he shouldn't have, memories that nothing could undo, and only time could slow down.

What Julian really wanted to do, more than anything, was help Miles. He wanted to do something, anything. Miles was one of the most important people that ever existed in Julian's life, and he really wanted to help his friend. But even with all his medical knowledge, Julian knew that it was impossible. He knew that he could do nothing for Miles, except being there for him.

"_I know that you are"_, Miles told him with the same sad smile of someone that recognized the good intentions of the friend, but warned that his sympathy couldn't really make a great difference for minimize all the pain that he had lived.

After some moments of an awkward silence, Miles murmured an apology for ruining the plans of the night and went back to his quarters, letting Julian alone in the corridor. Julian spent long moments staring at the walls of that corridor, before he went to his own quarters, his will to socialize completely forgotten.

Julian never mentioned what happened again, because he knew that it would only make Miles feel bad, but Julian didn't thought that he could ever forget the expression on Miles's face, or how much helpless he felt in not being capable of helping his friend.

The Klingon Restaurant; many other memories were associated with his place. He remembered, for example, in going there with Jadzia soon after Lenara Kahn left the station.

After Lenara decided to leave Jadzia, saving the Kahn symbiont and the Dax symbiont of a death in exile with their current hosts, Jadzia was devastated. She didn't even tried to hide how much miserable she was feeling, and any efforts that Sisko, Nerys, Julian and even Worf tried to cheer her up were completely frustrated.

Sisko, worried about his closest friend, even came to talk to Julian and asked him that, _please_, if he could do something, _anything _that could improve her mood, because he really couldn't stand anymore to see the Trill feeling so down.

However, Jadzia could not had much experience with rejection, but Dax had; therefore, after the first painful days, Jadzia seemed to control her emotions and appeared more sociable and calm again.

But who knew Jadzia better noticed that she was still very hurt with the experience, so, the attempt of the group of friends to cheer her up didn't stopped.

Not that it was making any difference; Jadzia, always polite and always saying that she already had an appointment, declined a baseball game with Sisko and Jake, or declined a lunch with Nerys. Jadzia even rescheduled her weekly sparring matches with Worf, claiming that she wasn't in her best to fight.

Julian wasn't having any success in his attempts too, but it didn't discouraged him; Miles and Garak already had told him in more than one occasion that he could be an infuriating pest and, if necessary, Julian knew how to keep this reputation.

About two weeks after Lenara left the station, Julian finally succeeded, after much insistence, in make Jadzia agree in have a lunch with him.

Julian left in Jadzia's hands the decision of where they would eat, what probably was a mistake; the Klingon Restaurant probably would remember Jadzia of the night that Lenara and she spent there, with Julian bored to death. But he just agreed, and they went to the place.

Jadzia really was more composed and less tense, but her normal exuberance was off, and it was really killing Julian to see her like that. He wasn't in love with Jadzia anymore – or so he thought – but she was his friend, and he hated to see her so hurt.

Julian was trying to make Jadzia talk about something, any subject, but the Trill only answered his questions, politely, without giving space for more conversation.

After what seemed like an eternity of frustrated conversations, Julian told Jadzia that he really was _sorry _for Lenara's departure and that he really just wanted to see her happy, in any way that she chosen, exiled or not, what made Jadzia widen her eyes a little and change the subject. Despite the tension that ran through Jadzia's body when Julian mentioned Lenara, he didn't missed the fact that she started to relax a little and started to participate a little more in the conversation.

During the meal, Julian tried to swallow a variety of gagh – that, in his opinion, was absolutely disgusting – without making any grimaces, what soon became impossible; in this moment Jadzia stopped talking, and Julian saw when her melancholy slowly undid in a large smile, what made Julian's heart skip a beat. _She could light the entire station with a smile_, he thought idiotically,_ like a sun would do with a gray morning_.

Jadzia then hugged Julian and told him that he was _one of the best and one of the sweetest friends that she ever had_. Julian didn't felt anything even remotely romantically in that moment, like his old self from a few years ago would feel in being embraced by Jadzia like that, but the joy in being capable to make her forget everything and smile, at least for a few moments, was completely thrilling.

After the lunch, Jadzia went away and said that she was going to look for Sisko, and Julian saw that he managed to make at least a little of change in her sad mood. Julian, then, looked behind, grateful for being able to swallow that unpalatable gagh.

Sisko never was Julian's personal friend; their relationship was good, but essentially professional.

But when Julian saw, in those first months, Kasidy appearing alone in the sickbay, in her pregnancy examinations, or when he saw a dispirited Jake walking alone for the station, Julian remembered some dinners in the Captain's quarters, some rare and great moments, and his heart ached.

Julian could say the same thing about Worf; he knew that he was never the favorite person of the Klingon – and the feeling was mutual – but it was weird to remember that Worf wasn't in the Ops anymore, with a scowl, making some grumpy commentary.

In the times that Nerys calls him for Ops, Julian almost could see, if he concentrates enough, Wof in his station, and every time he saw the young Federation lieutenant who replaced him, he felt confused for a few seconds.

He knew that Ezri missed Worf very much. She didn't talk about it with Julian, but after their failed attempt of relationship that ended a few months after the start, Julian could say that he knew Ezri very well, and that she missed Worf more than she would ever admit.

Actually, Julian feared that Ezri would also leave the station. Without Sisko in the station, without Worf, and now that they weren't together anymore, she hadn't any other strong emotional connection in the station, and it was most likely that the young Trill wanted to live her life in a different place, wanting to create her own connections and experiences, and without wanting to live in the shadows of Jadzia's life anymore, and from the legacy of Jadzia's friendships and relationships.

Julian knew that it was likely that the day that Ezri would decide to leave the station would probably arrive soon, but with so many recent losses in his mind, he would rather to not think about it.

Every inch of that place was full of memories, Ops, Quark's, Promenade. There was no place that Julian could run.

There was an airlock, some corridors after the sickbay; Julian remembered the day that his parents were in the station, the day that Zimmerman found out his past, the day that he discovered that Julian was genetically engineered.

Julian remembered that he had another argument with his father after their apparent truce, and he remembered getting out of his quarters boiling with anger and wanting to get away from his parents, from Zimmerman, from the looks of pity or resentment that he received from the ones that already had found out the story. Julian just walked and walked in the station's corridors, until he sat down on a bench, near from the said airlock.

It was a darker place, because the brilliant light from the wormhole barely got there; there were only a few stars visible. Julian looked at these stars, wondering how his life would be out of the Starfleet, out of medicine, perhaps being feared or even hated for something that has been done to him, something that he never wanted or asked for.

Julian was so deeply immersed in his inner thoughts that he startled when he felt a gentle pressure in his shoulder; looking up, he saw Garak. Tired, Julian thought about asking what Garak wanted, but before he could say anything the Cardassian told him that he already knew about what had happened.

_But of course_, Julian thought bitterly. _Of course that Garak already knows_. Julian actually wondered how he didn't found out years ago about this dark spot in his past.

- I suppose that you also know that I'm going to resign my commission tomorrow, before the Starfleet throw me out. – Julian said, sarcastically.

Garak's answer was almost instantaneous, "I suspected that you were going to do that, yes."

Julian opened his mouth, feeling annoyed and ready to tell Garak to leave, when he looked at Garak's expression; there was no mockery, anger, hurt or any other of the feelings that Julian was expecting to see in his face. There was only a sad understanding.

In that moment, Julian really looked at Garak; he was, perhaps, the only person that could understand him in that moment. Garak knew what was like to spend a lifetime lying, not for a great good, for other people's benefit, but for his own preservation. Garak knew what was like to lie all the time to save himself from a life full of privations and complications, as Julian found out so little time ago, in that hellish prison, when Garak let him discover the secret that he spent most of his life protecting.

Julian gave a grateful but sad smile for Garak, who sustained his gaze and sat down beside him, still looking serious. _It's strange to see him like that_, Julian thought. Of course, he had saw Garak looking serious several times before, but this occasions usually included life or death situations.

Incapable to maintain the penetrating gaze of the blue eyes of his friend any longer, Julian broke eye contact and turn to face the stars again.

For some more minutes a not completely awkward silence reigned, until Julian spoke in a very soft voice, trying to hold back all the emotion that was threatening to show:

- I'll miss our lunches.

Julian heard Garak actually _sigh_, with a mix of sadness and exasperation – _honestly, this is getting weird_ – and, for his complete surprise, he threw an arm around his middle, bringing their bodies together. _"So will I, Doctor. So will I."_

Julian was startled with the sequence of events and even more with Garak's behavior, but he assumed that he could understand it very well; there was always something in his relationship with Garak that he could never put his finger on or understand, something forbidden, unachievable, something that they didn't talk about and that they refused to recognize the mere existence. It was like Garak was taking advantage in the fact that this was Julian's last night in the station and was scratching the wall that existed between them.

_Two can play the same game_, Julian thought, while he leaned over Garak and rested his head on his friend's shoulder, completely aware about the absurdity of the situation, but wanting to dismiss all his caution at least for one night, and wanting to experiment at least a bit the taste of the bond that he had with his Cardassian friend. He wanted to feel at least a little of the connection that none of them ever had courage to really expand, fearing the consequences, and that ended being one of the things that started to slowly bring them apart, lately. Julian knew that he would have, without doubts, some regrets in leaving the station, so he thought that he could help himself and have one less regret.

For once in his life, Garak remained in complete silence, and so did Julian. They both were fond of a good conversation, but they seemed to make a silent agreement that the moment didn't need words.

Garak stayed with him for a long time; minutes or hours, even the precise genetically engineered Julian's brain couldn't tell. As it wasn't the last night that Julian spent on the station, neither of them ever spoke about what happened in that night again, but it was one of the most strangely intimate moments that Julian ever lived, after a life trying to hide who he really was.

The Security Chief's office; Julian still found weird to look there and see Ro standing inside, in the place that one day was Odo's territory.

The changeling always was very discreet about all the aspects of his life, and Julian was certain that Nerys was the only person that really knew him; the only person that he let penetrate in all his defenses. Julian, most certainly, couldn't say the same.

That doesn't mean that Julian didn't notice his permanent absence, or that he didn't miss the changeling; however, he knew that Odo's absence was absolutely felt more accurately by Nerys, and – not so surprisingly –, Quark

Quark's also seemed emptier than usual; Morn was still there, but Leeta's and Rom's absence were being stronger than Julian anticipated. Julian and Leeta managed to keep their friendship after the end of their romantic relationship, but they never were so close like Julian was with his other friends, and about Rom, they never were really friends. But in an ocean of so many absences, the Ferengi and the beautiful Bajoran were also missed by him.

Every inch of DS9 was so full of sad, sweet, miserable memories for Julian; it was only natural that the process of adaptation would take more time than Julian was expecting. It was only natural for him to miss his friends and colleagues that were gone, some of them to never come back.

What didn't seem natural for Julian was the bitter taste that came along with the longing, and the little bit of anger into his feelings.

It wasn't a rational thought; everyone who left the station had good reasons to do so. It wasn't like they were gone in a vacation, and even if they were, Julian should just accept that relationships change and people move away from one another.

But know this fact didn't make him feel any less angry or hurt with everyone who had left.

Julian knew that he was wrong. What right he had to be angry with Miles for him wanting a life more secure and participative with his wife and children? Or with Garak, for going away to rebuild his shattered planet, where some places where literally reduced to ashes? Or with Jadzia, for have_ died_?

Sometimes he wanted to ask other people, to see if they felt this way. If they felt the same thing he did. He wanted to know if Nerys was angry with Odo, because he had returned for his people to help them to tolerate, and not fear or chase the Solids, and leaving her alone in the process. If Ezri – _Dax _– was angry with Worf for leaving when they were just starting to be friends again. If Kasidy was angry with Sisko for leaving her alone with a child in her womb, a child that perhaps would never meet the father, or if Jake was angry with Sisko for going to live with the prophets without even bothering in say goodbye to him.

But Julian didn't want to be so cruel. Just like he tried to not demonstrate his loneliness in these days, he didn't want to press another person to admit such conflicting feelings. Everyone already had their own personal sorrows to carry without his help to remember them about what happened.

Anyway, Julian didn't need confirmations; he could see it every day, when Ezri glanced at Worf's station and quickly looked away. He could see it when Jake spent hours staring at the wormhole's direction, even when there wasn't a ship passing for hours. He sees it when Nerys looked in the direction of Odo's office – now Ro's office –, her eyes becoming brighter with contained tears.

Without asking, Julian knew that they all felt the same; they shared a bond that most people would find selfish or childish or would simple not understand. But it was something that existed for them, without gestures or words, but it was there every day, in the presence of the absence of so many loved ones.

Because even without suffering, there is always sorrow and a bitter taste for the ones who were left behind.

**The End**


End file.
